Nod If You Can Hear Me
by EidolonLathi
Summary: Sato has gotten Tanaka out of that abhorrent laboratory. But now that he is in freedom again, Tanaka begins suffering from a feeling he cannot explain. [SatoxTanaka]


_Summary: Sato has gotten Tanaka out of that abhorrent laboratory. But now that he's in freedom again, Tanaka begins suffering from a feeling he cannot explain. [Sato/Tanaka]_

**Nod If You Can Hear Me**

**-Sadness-**

Tanaka was leaning against the window sill, looking outside but not really seeing anything. Apathetically he rubbed his eyes, trying to remove the tears that were making it hard to see. It was no use though. Once he had wiped them away new ones followed instantly so he just gave up and let it be, resigned to the fact that his eyesight had to remain blurry for the moment.

He couldn't even remember since when he was standing here at the window. Admitted, this sounded pathetic but Tanaka hadn't yet adjusted to the fact the he was able to move on his own again. To walk where he wanted, to do what he wanted all without being restricted or getting the will of other people forced upon him. Since the few days Sato had gotten him out of that godforsaken laboratory Tanaka hadn't been anywhere else than this flat Sato had brought him to. And even though the place wasn't even that big it still felt way too vast. Being able to move around it on his own free will for the first time in ten years, it still felt unreal.

For some reason Tanaka tended to end up standing before the window a lot. The thing was, looking out of it was nice, even if his eyesight was still blurry from the tears that still refused to leave him. If you looked out of the window there was the street and other buildings, Tanaka could even see some trees. He hadn't seen trees in years, it was nice how they were just standing there, the green of their leaves still looking fresh during this time of the year. And he could see the sky, the vast and endless sky, permanently changing its colours, depending on the time of the day and the weather. Sometimes the sky was hidden behind clouds, sometimes there were no clouds at all.

Tanaka took a deep breath, another attempt to bring himself under control again. He hated crying like this but he just couldn't help it. At least meanwhile he had stopped sobbing. Not because his mood had improved though. It was just that he was too exhausted to keep it up any longer. He had never really thought about it but crying was actually really exhausting. But he couldn't help it. The moment he thought he had finally managed to calm down he would remember something from that horrible place again, the memories so strong that it sometimes felt like he was reliving them. And then the tears would come again. He would have liked to just put an end to this but his mind didn't cooperate and insisted on mercilessly running in circles instead.

Somewhere in another room Tanaka could hear Sato rummaging around. The noises were vaguely familiar but Tanaka couldn't place them, most noises of daily life had somehow become hard to place but it he tried he sometimes remembered. But right now his mind felt too fuzzy to concentrate on it. Tanaka lowered his gaze, no longer looking out of the window but looking at the floor instead. The fact that Sato had come to rescue him from that abhorrent place still felt like a dream. It really did. Sometimes Tanaka got overwhelmed by a sudden fear that he might wake up at any moment just to find out that everything that had happened during the last few days had been his imagination after all. The chance of this happening wasn't that unlikely. Sometimes, when there had been no immediate use for him and he had lain on that slab for what sometimes felt like days he would have started to hallucinate. There had been nothing, just the slab and the crushing weight of complete darkness and silence surrounding him. But then it hadn't been dark and silent anymore. There were times he was beginning to see things. Sometimes Tanaka had heard his parents calling out his name though he knew that couldn't have been real.

His parents. Not for the first time Tanaka realized that there was no way he could see them anytime soon. He probably would never ever see them again. But the fact that he had realized this already ages ago didn't make the knowledge any less bearable. Tanaka took an unsteady breath. He still was too exhausted to make any noise but breathing had become hard nonetheless.

Tanaka had been so absorbed in trying to get control over himself back again that he hadn't noticed Sato coming into the room until he was standing next to him. If he was irritated by Tanaka's emotional outburst he didn't show it. Instead he was slightly smiling at him. "Tanaka-kun? Getting distracted by the sky again?", Sato asked, sounding friendly.

Not trusting his voice Tanaka just nodded.

"It's already gotten so late and we haven't had dinner yet. What do think about eating something?"

Oh, right, eating. One more thing Tanaka could do again. Sometimes he completely forgot about it. Which was a bit of a mystery to him, everything he had eaten since he had been in freedom again had tasted heavenly. So he nodded in agreement, feeling despite his heavy mood a slight glimpse of anticipation bubble up in him.

For dinner they had meat and potatoes. The smell alone was fantastic and it tasted delicious. After the first few bites Tanaka felt his mind calming down from the emotional commotion, making it easier to think again. "It tastes really good", Tanaka managed to say, his own voice still sounding strange in his own ears. The last few years he usually hadn't been able to speak. Most of the time his vocal chords had been cut, making it impossible for him to scream or talk.

"I'm glad to hear that", Sato said, sounding as carefree as he looked. Now that Tanaka thought about it he had never seen him angry or annoyed so far. Sato always gave off such a composed impression.

Tanaka continued eating. He could hear the clock hanging on the wall ticking. It sounded steady and reassuring. Suddenly the reality of the situation began to overwhelm him, for no specific reason. Here he was, sitting on a normal table, eating normal food together with another person. As if he had a normal life again or something. He stared at the plate, his sight getting blurry again. At least this time he could manage to suppress the sobs that were threatening to escape his throat.

His outburst hadn't gone unnoticed by Sato. "Tanaka-kun? Is something the matter?", he asked, sounding calm but concerned.

Tanaka shook his head, wiping the few tears away that had spilled out of his eyes despite his best effort. He didn't want his face to look messed up. It was enough that he already was crying all the time. He was crying so much, he was surprised Sato hadn't become fed up with it. Well, maybe he had and was just too polite to show it.

Tanaka felt like he should say something, his voice being stable or not. "I'm sorry. Everything's fine, it's just a bit... I don't know, I suddenly became just... suddenly."

"It's just a bit much to deal with all of a sudden, is that it?", Sato guessed.

"Yes. Yes, like that. I'm sorry. I'm crying all day, it must be annoying to deal with", Tanaka said, voice sounding shaky. He was staring at his hand that was lying right next to his plate. He hadn't had a chance to see his own hands in years either. Most of the time they had made Tanaka wear a blindfold. He continued: "I'm going to try to stop crying all the time, I promise."

"There's no need to apologize. No one judges you for crying."

Tanaka didn't know what to say to this. He just shrugged his shoulders, still feeling absolutely miserable.

Sato sighed, sounding like he was thinking about something. The next moment he was reaching out his hand across the table, taking Tanaka's hand. The grip felt very light, as if he was ready to let go in case Tanaka didn't like the gesture. That consideration moved Tanaka nearly more than the actual touch. Since he had gotten Tanaka out of that lab Sato had always acted so thoughtful around him and that though Tanaka was causing him so many inconveniences. More as an instinctual reaction than a conscious one Tanaka fastened his own grip on Sato's hand, relieved that only a moment later Sato squeezed back. "You don't have to worry so much, Tanaka-kun. I told you that I intend to make sure the people who put you through this will have to show responsibility for how they treat ajin. No more people should suffer the way you had to."

Right, Sato had plans to change the way ajin were being treated. He had said that. Tanaka finally managed to raise his gaze. "Okay."

In the bright neon light of the kitchen Sato's eyes looked chocolate brown. It was the first time Tanaka had consciously noticed his eye colour. "Nothing of this is your fault", Sato insisted, voice sounding friendly but resolute as if it was important to him that Tanaka believed him.

Despite his sadness Tanaka had to laugh. "Not even the crying?"

"Especially not the crying. Who minds crying? People do that sometimes, it's perfectly normal", Sato said, warmly smiling.

"Alright. Fine", Tanaka sighed, feeling the need to give in and agree just for that smile being directed at him. They were still holding hands, somehow they had just forgotten to let go. Under the sadness a stronger feeling was emerging, starting in Tanaka's chest and spreading out from there. The feeling felt very strong but for some reason Tanaka couldn't place it.

* * *

**-Anger-**

Now that some time had passed Tanaka stopped doubting the reality of the situation he was in. He was free again, there was no way that the things he was experiencing every day could be a hallucination. And now that his mind no longer felt so brittle Tanaka's sadness developed more and more often into anger: Ten years! The people responsible for this had robbed him of ten years, an entire third of his life!

The anger that gripped his body was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. It felt like the tenseness it brought put the heaviest weight on every muscle. But the worst was the feeling deep within, as if his intestines were burning and in danger of just melting away if he stayed restless. It was the kind of anger that physically hurt and threatened to overtake his entire mind if he would be careless enough to let his guard down for a second.

Tanaka once had caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror when he had felt like this and had been startled by the raw and feral look his face had shown. This kind of expression was something you'd expect to see on an animal, not on a thinking human being.

It wasn't the kind of face you could wear around other people either. Tanaka had given his best to calm down again but this had been so difficult, he couldn't just forget the things that made him furious even if he wanted to. Oh, how much he just wanted to forget them.

Today Tanaka felt angry too, he couldn't help it. His mind insisted on running a collection of his worst memories on repeat and no matter what Tanaka tried to distract himself, it wouldn't stop.

Apparently Sato had noticed it too. But to Tanaka's surprise he didn't seem to be repulsed by it. He just studied Tanaka's face while he took his last sip of coffee, looking very content, as if it was a desirable outcome that Tanaka had ended up like this. "You're angry at the people who did this to you", Sato said. It hadn't been a question.

Tanaka shrugged his shoulders, looking at the mug of tea standing in front of him. It was still too hot to drink. "Yes, I am. It's hard not to, you know?"

Sato put his now empty coffee cup into the sink. "They deserve it after all. No need to hold back."

Hearing this made Tanaka's chest feel lighter. Getting told that what he had felt this intensely wasn't wrong felt like a huge relieve. Just now Tanaka realized how isolated he actually had felt. The atrocities he had been put through in the lab, the sadness and anger he felt because of it, he had tried to tell Sato about it many times. Sato had always intently listened but Tanaka hadn't been sure if he had succeeded to find the right words to describe what he had been forced to endure. After all, how in the world was a normal person supposed to understand any of this? But if Sato didn't judge him for hating this strongly than maybe he had understood what Tanaka had tried to explain all these times.

Tanaka looked out the kitchen window. It showed the soft blue sky of morning. Some of the clouds still showed the orange of dawn. "It's not just because it happened to me. Treating another person this way is just not right", Tanaka quietly said. Any ajin that got captured next would suffer the same fate than him, no doubt about that.

Sato sat back at the kitchen table, right next to Tanaka instead of his usual place opposite of him. "We'll make them stop. No matter what, I told you", he said, looking Tanaka intently into the eyes.

Something about having all this attention directed towards him was too much for Tanaka to handle. He had thought about it before but once again he noticed how handsome Sato's face actually was. All Tanaka managed to do right now was nodding in agreement. "Yes, yes absolutely", he finally managed to say, having found his speech again. "I don't know how much of a help I will manage to be though", he added after a moment, feeling self-conscious. Sato had gotten him out of that abhorrent place, all alone against countless people who had tried to stop him. What could Tanaka do that compared?

Sato seemed to feel no such reservations. He started laughing again. "Oh Tanaka-kun, I told you not to worry so much. This weekend we'll finally have the opportunity to practice shooting with you. I'm sure you'll manage handling a weapon soon."

"I don't know. I've never done something like this before", Tanaka said, still feeling doubt.

But Sato wouldn't hear any of this. "You'll learn. About guns and everything else. I'm not too bad at explaining those things, at least I always liked to think so."

Feeling encouraged Tanaka gave in: "Fine. Then I'll make sure to listen to what you have to say."

"Perfect. Like this it will work out in the end, I'm telling you", Sato said, not quite smiling but looking with an open look at Tanaka that made his expression look unguarded for the fraction of a second.

"Alright then", Tanaka said, suddenly noticing that his anger had somehow disappeared. Instead that certain warm feeling was spreading through his chest again, the one he still was failing to describe.

* * *

**-Numbness-**

The thing about permanently being angry was that it felt insanely exhausting, even more so than crying all the time. And today, today Tanaka felt so exhausted that he couldn't even muster up enough energy to feel regular sadness. Instead he didn't feel anything at all.

Aimlessly he wandered around their flat. When he found Sato he finally felt like coming to a halt. He sat down on the couch next to him, wordlessly watching how Sato played his video game. It was some kind of shooting game Tanaka knew nothing about. Even as a kid he never had been that much into games. But sitting here and watching Sato play somehow felt very calming.

For a long time Sato didn't say anything either, he just continued playing his game. After a while he started talking anyway: "Feeling tired from yesterday?"

"Tired? Maybe a bit, I guess. But I'm not complaining." Tanaka thought back on the shooting practice they had held yesterday. They had gone to a lonely area deep in the forest where no one could have heard them firing their guns. It had been a nice day. Sunny but not too hot. Tanaka could still hear the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees. It had been a beautiful day so he couldn't figure out why remembering it made him feel this devastated. "Sato-san? You know, it had been fun yesterday, learning new things, about guns and everything. Even though I'm still bad at aiming. I want to get better at it, I promise."

Sato halted the game, looking at Tanaka. "Don't sound so worried. It's all a matter of practice. The more you shoot the better you'll get at aiming."

"Okay."

Sato sighed, his eyes getting a thoughtful look. "You haven't done your hair today."

Not knowing what to say Tanaka just shrugged his shoulders. Since he was with Sato he had started to sleek it back but today he hadn't felt the energy to do even this much. He had just let his hair stay the way it had been after waking up, unruly and messy.

And that though Tanaka liked the way his hair looked nowadays. He didn't even know why he had felt the sudden urge to change his hairstyle. It was just, for the last decade he hadn't been able to make one single independent decision, all his world had consisted of was getting the will of other people forced upon him. Doing something new with his hair had felt like getting control back over himself, even just slightly.

Sato was still looking at Tanaka. The concentration in his eyes hadn't wavered for a second. "Shall I do your hair?"

That felt like a really good idea. Tanaka felt himself nod before he had decided that he wanted to do so. "Sure."

"Fine, come on then", Sato said, putting aside the controller, his video game forgotten.

Tanaka leaned down, he had to. Even with the both of them sitting down he was still taller than Sato, it was especially hard to forget when they were so close next to each other like right now.

Sato started carding his fingers through Tanaka's hair, brushing it back. "I was concerned you'll ruin your eyesight with your hair hanging into your eyes like that", he said, tucking one last strand of hair behind Tanaka's ear.

"I wouldn't want that", Tanaka said, still leaning down though meanwhile all the hair was out of his face.

"Neither do I", Sato said, still running his fingers through Tanaka's hair in a gentle manner.

Tanaka marvelled about how good it felt. He gave his best to hold still, hoping Sato would understand what Tanaka felt unable to put into words and continue the gesture. Because Tanaka could feel like that odd sensation had come back, the one that sometimes would spread through his chest and make the world feel warm despite of everything. Tanaka was lucky. Sato continued petting his hair for a whole while longer.

* * *

**-Nameless Feeling-**

Feeling tired but content Tanaka closed his eyes, listening to the news on the television without really hearing anything of it. He wasn't exactly sure how it had happened but sometime during the course of the evening he had ended up lying on the couch, letting his head rest in Sato's lap. Everything felt so good that Tanaka couldn't concentrate on anything else, especially now that Sato had started playing with Tanaka's hair. The gesture felt so gentle and thoughtful that Tanaka almost couldn't bear it. Closing his eyes had helped.

Tanaka didn't even make an effort any longer to understand what the news on TV was saying. And that though he usually was paying close attention to it. The world had changed in drastic ways in the ten years he had been away from it and there were so many areas he needed to catch up. But today there was really no way he could concentrate on it, not with Sato petting his hair like this. Well, Tanaka could still read the paper tomorrow, it wasn't actually that urgent.

"Your hair feels very soft today", Sato said, voice sounding absentminded.

"I washed it this morning", Tanaka said, moving his head and slightly nuzzling closer. Everything felt so warm.

Sato sighed: "I see. So that's why it smells so good too."

What were you supposed to say to something like that? Tanaka didn't know so he just kind of tried to nod as good as he could, given the circumstances that his head was still laying in Sato's lap.

But apparently this had been enough for Sato to understand what Tanaka had wanted to say. He continued playing with Tanaka's hair, obviously not feeling like stopping either. Tanaka could sense that warm feeling in his chest again. With sudden clarity he knew what it was. He had been unable to put a name on it for so long because like looking at the sky, eating food or spending a day in the forest it had been absent in his existence for a decade. But just like those things happiness had returned into his life. At least fragments of it. But for the moment this was more than enough, he decided, as he allowed his mind to lose focus. Getting his hair petted by Sato always made it difficult to concentrate, Tanaka couldn't help it.

**The End**

_Author's Notes: This fic is also cross posted to ao3. _


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